Sometimes life can be pretty scary.
You can be surrounded by many people and still feel like the loneliest and most helpless person in the world. And of course, that is not true.
We all feel scared from time to time and growing up can be scary. I've learned that many people have suffered depression and anxiety during some point in their growing up years and that is quite comforting.
A month ago I felt so lost. I had tried and tried to overcome Anxiety. What kind of anxiety? I don't know, I assume Stress but I don't particularly have to put a label on it if I don't need to. I had, however been struggling with this horrible beast inside of me. It took the fun and joy out of my life and I was in my head all the time with a blank face trying to get back to that default way of being. I forced and forced myself to breathe normally, whatever normally meant but that forcing was only making things worse and sucking the life out of me till I just felt pale, cold and sluggish. Living was all that I wanted, to breathe and why was it being so hard? Why was the world against me? And why didn't my mind trust my soul?
I had written a stress journal before. I never liked looking at it and I always rushed it so that I wouldn't have to. What was the point of that? I guess that was worried that drawing attention to this monster, strengthened it, but it was actually the resistance that influenced it more than anything. Everything was made difficult when I moved back to university after Christmas and my parents were away and all my closest friends could only be contacted virtually. I wanted their presence and virtual wasn't enough. I needed a voice, a hug, a source of comfort but they were living their lives elsewhere so black and white text was all I could make do with.
It took some scary moments that made me feel that I had to tell my parents, a realisation that if I didn't do anything, then I could waste away and I was too young for that, I have so much to give. The best way for me was writing a letter which they read and then the rest of my family. Although unable to understand completely, they were supportive but I just picked a wrong time at the end of the Christmas Holidays.
So what was I to do for a month without visiting home? I cried many times, but that saved me, helped me, detoxed me. I told my closest confidents and they supported me, offering their time to listen to whatever I had to say whenever I needed, all with their own stories of comfort and hardships.
I was told by one, that whatever advice that I get, whether that is professional or family/friends; it is only me who can make me feel better. I didn't like this and I was thrown deep in to more darkness. But there was so much truth in that. After all, it is the emotions inside you that control how you feel no matter if you have triggered them yourself or externally from another, but it's true. It doesn't mean to say that you shouldn't go searching for support when you need it, but it's something to keep in mind - a balance of the two.
What about that question? Well, I had had enough of trying for three years, I wanted change and I wanted health. I began a stress journal, a proper one, that I could write about anything and allow space for good comments and gratitude and pep talks given to myself. It's not the journal that has been healing me but it's the act of a record. If I hadn't written that first post I'd still be lost not knowing the date when I wanted to make that change. I have had some up's and down's and even re-visited the scary moments and sensations over that time, but I reminded myself by reading inspiring stories about people who have been through tough situations, that people get through patches like this, and I hope reading this has give you, the reader some inspiration.
I have learned that Anxiety cannot be controlled. It's a free spirit and you have to let it come and go as you please. Once you learn to acknowledge and trust yourself not to feel bothered by it, then the strong monster then starts to disappear and become weak, before it has enough and drifts away.
We need stress in our lives to keep us alive. Some of it's good and yes some is bad, but it's ok for your heart to quicken every once in a while and in fact it's only protecting you. Stopping yourself being stressed by tensing up, opens a creeky dark door to misery. Trust your body. Your mind might not know what it's doing but your body certainly does and it can heal.
When I say heal, I don't mean that my feelings of tension are gone for good, but I have found happiness within myself and that is what I have asked for.
It's amazing what you can do to improve your perception and body's health in a month.
You should try it some time.
Zoe
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