What's your university life?

Sometimes we reach a dead end and need change.
I remember two years ago upon starting university, I would dream about student life in the Halls and perhaps meeting a close friend or boyfriend whom I could have long meaningful discussions with, late at night in the kitchen while everyone was asleep. I could see a vibrant me with a life that combined of university and it's accommodation.

I didn't get the chance to go to Halls for freshman year and I was deeply disappointed by that. Was I truly missing out on the student life? However I got an application in early a year last May and I knew things were going to be opening up for me. I was ready to move out and start an independent life.

September now feels miles away. My mental and emotional health being tossed here and there with feelings I hadn't expected to feel in my bubble cloud. Living with anxiety makes those experiences much harder, and not to mention the cold weight of guilt on my shoulders for being extremely introspective. Was I missing it all?

I shouldn't have to feel guilty though.  I have however been extremely productive with my time here just by finding myself..in a small little cell sized room. When the more out-going flatmates ask if I'm up to anything, I think *I'm doing so much, you have no idea* but really say "Mmm not much. Just staying in." Sometimes you just want to have something interesting to say. But what I am doing is interesting to me but it won't be for you, I think.  I don't place value on getting drunk every night and trying to catch up on my sleep. I do however enjoy socialising with the wide range of friends that I have met during my stay in Halls and the ones I go to uni with. I like to talk about topics that I have a variety of routes and depth to them with friendships that will at least last the two or three years of education time or maybe beyond that for a few.

There are two different types of uni life and both of them are valid. There are many introspective types, blogging, listening to music, chatting to the selected few flat friends and finding themselves, in every Halls and that is ok. We may feel pressured to peel away from our comfortable skins but I believe that if you are happy with what you are doing, then thats where you should be at this point in time. When the time is right, we will come out of our chrisilis and bloom and find each other.  I heard the other day in the laundrette, a large group of high volumed voices were discussing the quiet girl in on of their flats. They were going to invite her to a big party saying that no one should be alone all the time. They then said that apparently the girl was happy to be by herself and I was thinking. *Yeah, I feel like that too. If I want to socialise then I will.

But Halls, it's not for me regardless of all the beneficial life skills have I have learned.  I can cook healthy nutritious meals and do laundry but there are so many thoughts and actions that can be done in one little room and I feel like I have come to the end of what it has for me. As for next year, I'll be commuting again. I'll have that freedom to be in the outside world and still be as introspective or as open as I like. Sometimes when we have small place we curl up to, we do like to stay there a bit too long. I would like to get out in the world, but who said it had to be in the noisy student nightlife?

Live a little.

Freeing yourself from education's mould...

I remember when choosing your GCSE's was one of the hardest choices you had to make back when you were fourteen/fifteen. It was the start of deciding who you wanted to be. Someone had got this stick out and started poking you with it, pushing you to choose this subject or that subject and you just didn't know.

The decision wasn't too hard for me, I suppose. I love Art so that was definitely a 'Yes'. I also picked Geography and French. It was important to for me to have a language in there as we had been told that would look good on our CV's (Resumes).

However it is Art as an academic subject that I want to talk about.

If you are an Art lover, you probably spent many hours after school or on sunny and rainy days just drawing away. You invented imaginary people, gave me them a name, age and place of birth and signed your work with your full name and how old you were at that exact time, even that 7 and 3/4's business. Well I certainly did. Art is supposed to be limitless in how one expresses themselves and it's not just about drawings, it can be singing, photography or any creative subject. You will know that you're that kind of person and what you enjoy.

Up to GSCE level of Art, I had expressed myself so freely and reached a stage of, say drawing people that ended up in a kind of cartoon-like form throwing out any sense of proportion and shadows and shading. You could say I still wanted to belong in that cartoon world and I took Art in a fun way rather than serious. So drawing people wasn't for me but that's ok. It was when I got to choosing my topic for my Art exam. The duration was ten hours and we had to create a sketchbook and plan out beforehand. The topic was I, Me, Mine. You could say that the most limitless topic was right ahead and I got to thinking straight away. I had been working my way up the GSCE Art ladder with B's and due to get my first A. I was so sure and so confident about this.

As a nostalgic person, blossoming a new passion for photography, I created a pin board, a real tangable one that I was firstly going to paint on canvas but wanted the texture and photographs painted by hand. I hadn't painted enough, which was my outcome, leaving me with a C. It was Art, I was proud of it and  it didn't meet the criteria.

The mould had begun.
My further education at college was quite limitless and experimental, particularly my Independent Project taking a photographic form on Teenage Stereotypes and the fact that barriers are often too high.

I moved closer to the photography dream and now in my second year of university, that mould of getting us to be a certain kind of photographer and use certain tools with certain expectations has been, well thrown upon us. I'm liking the fact of using old cameras, the real kind that people used when photography began, but growing up in a digital age, it's hard for me to flip back.

I'm not naturally technical, I'm shy on first meeting and here are teachers saying to the class of many others like me that "Being a photographer you have to be a people person." forcing it upon us like we didn't know or that wasn't us, that and crushing our dreams. Many of us are good with people, we don't have to be gregarious. But that's the mould they want us in, as if we couldn't be successful any other way.

I may be struggling with the pace of this river, but I work slowly to achieve the best results and to really learn and my communication is gentle and directive. But just because us 'quiet lot' with softer voices doesn't necessarily mean that is us inside. I know for a fact that isn't who I would describe myself. With building confidence slowly, that "people person" is going to come out of all of us, because it's there. We fell in love with Photography and Art for the expression and wanting to make something beautiful out of some instant. We probably didn't consider that we should have all these millions of business skills. Some may do, but there work could be lacking in what is Art. We're not all perfect.

What happened to Art being limitless, the world being limitless? Or was that part of life that defined us as children and now we have to face the professional world seeking success in a grey suit, striving for a Face that isn't really us?

When choosing your career? Make it natural, make yourself natural with the natural confidence and aura that just makes your clients/colleagues know that you are genuine in what you want to achieve. You might actually stand out that way.

It's ok to be that boulder in the stream. It's ok to stand still for a moment, resist the stereotype needs and do whatever you want to do and express that you want to express. Once that education is out the way, those gates can be opened if you let them.

Be limitless. Be You. Be Free. 

Finding a way out of an anxious fog with it's toxic relationships

I look around, they smoke like chimneys. Young racing hearts, reckless. They live life to the full. Youth - Love. Sex. Drugs. We see the faces, the observers. We see them, with their vulnerable and neutral expressions. They look at us, or maybe they don't?

A guy stubs out his cigarette on the cold ground as the bus approaches. I pick up my heavy load of groceries and reluctantly inhale that ashy smell of poison. I have smelt that stench and some like it too much recently. I look around, they all do it. It's cool right? I swallow and do my best to breath the air that is fresh as I look out the window. Soon the smoke disperses.
While I was on this ten minute bus ride, I couldn't help but wonder what made him start smoking in the first place. I thought it was about fitting in, they did it because of peer pressure. I have thought since then it could be that they come from a family whom their parents smoke. But more recently I have twigged that perhaps this person and people like him are going through downward spiral. We have all heard how smoking nicotine and illegal drugs can relax and improve the perception in mind of the smoker. However it can make their problem a whole lot worse. A new problem. A sick addiction. Their initial problem has now gone out the window, locked in the back of their minds. They know it's bad, but they just can't stop. Every New Year, each one secretly hopes "THIS will be the year I get over it." But they need it, their food, their drink, their love. A sick lusting entertainment and escape not only before their eyes but in their mind.

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Sometimes smoking and taking drugs may seem like an easier way to sort out a problem. I wonder how many of you are succumbing to these death traps, scrabbling, clawing your way out. But it deals with your worries, right?

Facing the world when it's dark and looking forward is sometimes the only thing you can do. Your only option is to breath and sometimes that can be frightening. It's too much, is too fast, it's too tense. You just want to do it right.

Options?

Dance it out. No one says you have to be an expert. Even five minutes of  'Night Fever' zooming your arm up and down counts. Guys you may prefer football with your friends or if you are more of a flying solo guy, how about running?  Take a jog down round your street and feel that cool air fill your lungs and lift the silt and blackness out, circulating your body. Your heart pumping, unraveling your soul and surging you with the energy of which is life.  Engage with the endorphins in your head. They make you happier than any amount of drug pulsating in your blood stream. It may feel like a weakness stepping away from your drug one baby step at a time. How do you get over someone you love?  The chemicals in your brain work in the same way and it always seems lonely at first to stick out on your own. Once you do and give that chance for real, you begin to feel that strength returning. It often hasn't been touched by many young adults for a long time and continues not to until we choose it. It's about being ready. There are many ways to take your mind off stress. Relaxing music helps. It doesn't have to be the 5th Symphony but something that will capture your soul and take it to a new level, feeling some  natural sensations your body was made to experience in a pure state of health.

Writing is a fantastic tool. You could write a story on your experiences on what has made your angry and frustrated throughout your life? Write something everyday even if you have never been the best speller or grammar nerd. Sometimes it's about discovering your ambitions and interests. The next pen to paper creation could be a eye catching work of art, depicting life's troubles and the process of wandering through a torch-less land till you find that lamp of hope.

None said it is easy dealing with stress and anxiety. In fact it makes life and the simplest things in life seem very hard but the main thing is that you are not alone. Talk to a friend, or a family member or someone professional who knows and talks to people regularly. The moment we feel that we are no longer alone, is the moment when we can finally start the journey of believing in ourselves again. Even that journey may take a long time, but it's a step right?

My advice is none in the least professional but everyone around you has been through something or has learned to overcome in some way.

If you really want to become the happy person you want to be and I mean really want it, then you will. Surround yourself in positivity, even if you don't believe at first. Once you build up your exposure to positive quotes or people then that perception of negativity ticks over and you remember what it's like to feel human again. I know this because it's true, but you have to trust it and trust yourself.

Anyone you see has a story to tell on those blank and neutral faces that we wear on the bus, or at school/work and on the street. We all want to look strong enough and we may envy that slight smile on someones face just because we want to steal it for our own. Perhaps they have just managed to achieve that renewed feeling after a long and rollercoaster journey, because it is possible.

Why is it ok to be Single?

Why does it seem like a sin, a poor, inferior way of living when you don't have a man/woman on your arm? There is a freedom of making your own decisions and socialising to your own degree and not having to live up to the expectations of your other half. I don't know... I just feel like moving to Uni that I'll be surrounded by more experienced/attached people. I don't know about you, but sometimes I almost feel ashamed to say "No, I've never had a boyfriend.."and they are always surprised. I don't want to feel like that in particular.  I'm an independent woman who is fairly attractive; pretty yet natural.   I would like those words to come across when someone next asks of my status.

When we start school from a young age we get exposed to other types of beauty and wish other characteristics of ourselves. One friend always goes to me "You're so thin!" whenever she gives me a hug and I never know what to say. It's an observation more the less, but one I don't think about of myself because it's a quality I am in harmony with. I have my flaws though, I'm not perfect and sometimes we feel that we have to be. Why?

We don't want to shed our weaknesses; I guess it makes us feel unattractive and unworthy of ever finding love. We wallow in the lack of self confidence and express that in different ways. Personally I think there are two ways.

The Extravert
- Covers up their flaws, whether they use make up/ fake tan or a thick emotional barrier, concealing their sensitive depths and dressing in revealing and suggestive clothing. If someone gives them attention they think it's good, they have won the jackpot and often believe they will find happiness this way and it will boost their confidence. Whether they are considered ugly or attractive their loud exterior is attractive enough to win over potential one night stands and lovers.

The Introvert
- Subconsciously gives out signs of wanting to be invisible when really they are shouting out to be loved. They cover a wide spectrum of appearences but often keep a neutral expression when they are walking on their own which often makes them appear cold, this also includes lack of eye contact. They open up to a select few and often need to be approached first. They are considered quite dull to those who don't know them.


Whether you an Introvert or Extravert when you have confidence you are simply a more open person in a genuine way. That may surprise you Extraverts, but Introverts like to be social too. They just like to be social in small bursts and their energy runs out quicker.

The whole university lifestyle as student is so Extraverted in it's layout. That's ok, but how do us Introverts go and meet people when the idea of small talk is seen a waste of time, energy draining and simply overwhelming?

What I'm saying it's that, whether an Extravert is confident or not, they make it much easier to make connections. In comparison to Introverts, these connections are short lived while the Introvert looks for life-long relationships. I had a school reunion last month and there is one female who was simply the Queen Bee. She always has been and it's always be in her nature - the most classic types of Extravert. We all sat down awkwardly wondering what on earth to say these other people who we hadn't seen for years and frankly people we didn't really mind not keep in contact with. The female started chatting away and I thought to myself on the other side of the table "How does she find it so easy, it's not fair my mind just goes blank?"And later that night when we were walking home she was saying that she too found it awkward but her coping mechanism worked by chatting mindlessly on nerves about anything, which thankfully the rest of us sighed with relief, listening to whatever she had to say.

She seemed like the most confident person in the world, I always thought, once being one of many of her friends. She oddly confided to us all saying that she was nervous about going to Uni and worried that no one would like her. Across the table I disagreed  "That's crazy! Everyone likes you!" and some nods here and the there around the tables chorused. We were frankly surprised.

I guess we all worry about those things. We want to be liked. We want to show that we have potential.
However the word 'boyfriend' seems tacky to me. Some immature male who is out to break your heart in and says "I love you" meaning "I Luv U" which doesn't mean much at all. It's like a social tag, while husband, partner or other half seems much more sincere and meaningful.


However, as much as it is nice to belong to someone in that way, you have to be emotionally ready for those things. Going back to Introverts and Extraverts; we all want someone. Extraverts certainly get a lot more sex hands down, but as an Introvert I would happily by-pass any superficial relationships and one night stands with a few long-term relationships I can learn from effectively.

No one should feel pressured to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I doesn't mean to say that we aren't good enough if we don't. Being independent has made me realise who I am as a person which in turn has given me confidence and there is no reason why anyone else shouldn't feel that that too. Besides just because you may be single, doesn't mean people don't care about you, because they probably do.