Sometimes life can be pretty scary.
You can be surrounded by many people and still feel like the loneliest and most helpless person in the world. And of course, that is not true.
We all feel scared from time to time and growing up can be scary. I've learned that many people have suffered depression and anxiety during some point in their growing up years and that is quite comforting.
A month ago I felt so lost. I had tried and tried to overcome Anxiety. What kind of anxiety? I don't know, I assume Stress but I don't particularly have to put a label on it if I don't need to. I had, however been struggling with this horrible beast inside of me. It took the fun and joy out of my life and I was in my head all the time with a blank face trying to get back to that default way of being. I forced and forced myself to breathe normally, whatever normally meant but that forcing was only making things worse and sucking the life out of me till I just felt pale, cold and sluggish. Living was all that I wanted, to breathe and why was it being so hard? Why was the world against me? And why didn't my mind trust my soul?
I had written a stress journal before. I never liked looking at it and I always rushed it so that I wouldn't have to. What was the point of that? I guess that was worried that drawing attention to this monster, strengthened it, but it was actually the resistance that influenced it more than anything. Everything was made difficult when I moved back to university after Christmas and my parents were away and all my closest friends could only be contacted virtually. I wanted their presence and virtual wasn't enough. I needed a voice, a hug, a source of comfort but they were living their lives elsewhere so black and white text was all I could make do with.
It took some scary moments that made me feel that I had to tell my parents, a realisation that if I didn't do anything, then I could waste away and I was too young for that, I have so much to give. The best way for me was writing a letter which they read and then the rest of my family. Although unable to understand completely, they were supportive but I just picked a wrong time at the end of the Christmas Holidays.
So what was I to do for a month without visiting home? I cried many times, but that saved me, helped me, detoxed me. I told my closest confidents and they supported me, offering their time to listen to whatever I had to say whenever I needed, all with their own stories of comfort and hardships.
I was told by one, that whatever advice that I get, whether that is professional or family/friends; it is only me who can make me feel better. I didn't like this and I was thrown deep in to more darkness. But there was so much truth in that. After all, it is the emotions inside you that control how you feel no matter if you have triggered them yourself or externally from another, but it's true. It doesn't mean to say that you shouldn't go searching for support when you need it, but it's something to keep in mind - a balance of the two.
What about that question? Well, I had had enough of trying for three years, I wanted change and I wanted health. I began a stress journal, a proper one, that I could write about anything and allow space for good comments and gratitude and pep talks given to myself. It's not the journal that has been healing me but it's the act of a record. If I hadn't written that first post I'd still be lost not knowing the date when I wanted to make that change. I have had some up's and down's and even re-visited the scary moments and sensations over that time, but I reminded myself by reading inspiring stories about people who have been through tough situations, that people get through patches like this, and I hope reading this has give you, the reader some inspiration.
I have learned that Anxiety cannot be controlled. It's a free spirit and you have to let it come and go as you please. Once you learn to acknowledge and trust yourself not to feel bothered by it, then the strong monster then starts to disappear and become weak, before it has enough and drifts away.
We need stress in our lives to keep us alive. Some of it's good and yes some is bad, but it's ok for your heart to quicken every once in a while and in fact it's only protecting you. Stopping yourself being stressed by tensing up, opens a creeky dark door to misery. Trust your body. Your mind might not know what it's doing but your body certainly does and it can heal.
When I say heal, I don't mean that my feelings of tension are gone for good, but I have found happiness within myself and that is what I have asked for.
It's amazing what you can do to improve your perception and body's health in a month.
You should try it some time.
Zoe
Thursday 7 March 2013
Sunday 3 March 2013
Freeing yourself from education's mould...
I remember when choosing your GCSE's was one of the hardest choices you had to make back when you were fourteen/fifteen. It was the start of deciding who you wanted to be. Someone had got this stick out and started poking you with it, pushing you to choose this subject or that subject and you just didn't know.
The decision wasn't too hard for me, I suppose. I love Art so that was definitely a 'Yes'. I also picked Geography and French. It was important to for me to have a language in there as we had been told that would look good on our CV's (Resumes).
However it is Art as an academic subject that I want to talk about.
If you are an Art lover, you probably spent many hours after school or on sunny and rainy days just drawing away. You invented imaginary people, gave me them a name, age and place of birth and signed your work with your full name and how old you were at that exact time, even that 7 and 3/4's business. Well I certainly did. Art is supposed to be limitless in how one expresses themselves and it's not just about drawings, it can be singing, photography or any creative subject. You will know that you're that kind of person and what you enjoy.
Up to GSCE level of Art, I had expressed myself so freely and reached a stage of, say drawing people that ended up in a kind of cartoon-like form throwing out any sense of proportion and shadows and shading. You could say I still wanted to belong in that cartoon world and I took Art in a fun way rather than serious. So drawing people wasn't for me but that's ok. It was when I got to choosing my topic for my Art exam. The duration was ten hours and we had to create a sketchbook and plan out beforehand. The topic was I, Me, Mine. You could say that the most limitless topic was right ahead and I got to thinking straight away. I had been working my way up the GSCE Art ladder with B's and due to get my first A. I was so sure and so confident about this.
As a nostalgic person, blossoming a new passion for photography, I created a pin board, a real tangable one that I was firstly going to paint on canvas but wanted the texture and photographs painted by hand. I hadn't painted enough, which was my outcome, leaving me with a C. It was Art, I was proud of it and it didn't meet the criteria.
The mould had begun.
My further education at college was quite limitless and experimental, particularly my Independent Project taking a photographic form on Teenage Stereotypes and the fact that barriers are often too high.
I moved closer to the photography dream and now in my second year of university, that mould of getting us to be a certain kind of photographer and use certain tools with certain expectations has been, well thrown upon us. I'm liking the fact of using old cameras, the real kind that people used when photography began, but growing up in a digital age, it's hard for me to flip back.
I'm not naturally technical, I'm shy on first meeting and here are teachers saying to the class of many others like me that "Being a photographer you have to be a people person." forcing it upon us like we didn't know or that wasn't us, that and crushing our dreams. Many of us are good with people, we don't have to be gregarious. But that's the mould they want us in, as if we couldn't be successful any other way.
I may be struggling with the pace of this river, but I work slowly to achieve the best results and to really learn and my communication is gentle and directive. But just because us 'quiet lot' with softer voices doesn't necessarily mean that is us inside. I know for a fact that isn't who I would describe myself. With building confidence slowly, that "people person" is going to come out of all of us, because it's there. We fell in love with Photography and Art for the expression and wanting to make something beautiful out of some instant. We probably didn't consider that we should have all these millions of business skills. Some may do, but there work could be lacking in what is Art. We're not all perfect.
What happened to Art being limitless, the world being limitless? Or was that part of life that defined us as children and now we have to face the professional world seeking success in a grey suit, striving for a Face that isn't really us?
When choosing your career? Make it natural, make yourself natural with the natural confidence and aura that just makes your clients/colleagues know that you are genuine in what you want to achieve. You might actually stand out that way.
It's ok to be that boulder in the stream. It's ok to stand still for a moment, resist the stereotype needs and do whatever you want to do and express that you want to express. Once that education is out the way, those gates can be opened if you let them.
Be limitless. Be You. Be Free.
The decision wasn't too hard for me, I suppose. I love Art so that was definitely a 'Yes'. I also picked Geography and French. It was important to for me to have a language in there as we had been told that would look good on our CV's (Resumes).
However it is Art as an academic subject that I want to talk about.
If you are an Art lover, you probably spent many hours after school or on sunny and rainy days just drawing away. You invented imaginary people, gave me them a name, age and place of birth and signed your work with your full name and how old you were at that exact time, even that 7 and 3/4's business. Well I certainly did. Art is supposed to be limitless in how one expresses themselves and it's not just about drawings, it can be singing, photography or any creative subject. You will know that you're that kind of person and what you enjoy.
Up to GSCE level of Art, I had expressed myself so freely and reached a stage of, say drawing people that ended up in a kind of cartoon-like form throwing out any sense of proportion and shadows and shading. You could say I still wanted to belong in that cartoon world and I took Art in a fun way rather than serious. So drawing people wasn't for me but that's ok. It was when I got to choosing my topic for my Art exam. The duration was ten hours and we had to create a sketchbook and plan out beforehand. The topic was I, Me, Mine. You could say that the most limitless topic was right ahead and I got to thinking straight away. I had been working my way up the GSCE Art ladder with B's and due to get my first A. I was so sure and so confident about this.
As a nostalgic person, blossoming a new passion for photography, I created a pin board, a real tangable one that I was firstly going to paint on canvas but wanted the texture and photographs painted by hand. I hadn't painted enough, which was my outcome, leaving me with a C. It was Art, I was proud of it and it didn't meet the criteria.
The mould had begun.
My further education at college was quite limitless and experimental, particularly my Independent Project taking a photographic form on Teenage Stereotypes and the fact that barriers are often too high.
I moved closer to the photography dream and now in my second year of university, that mould of getting us to be a certain kind of photographer and use certain tools with certain expectations has been, well thrown upon us. I'm liking the fact of using old cameras, the real kind that people used when photography began, but growing up in a digital age, it's hard for me to flip back.
I'm not naturally technical, I'm shy on first meeting and here are teachers saying to the class of many others like me that "Being a photographer you have to be a people person." forcing it upon us like we didn't know or that wasn't us, that and crushing our dreams. Many of us are good with people, we don't have to be gregarious. But that's the mould they want us in, as if we couldn't be successful any other way.
I may be struggling with the pace of this river, but I work slowly to achieve the best results and to really learn and my communication is gentle and directive. But just because us 'quiet lot' with softer voices doesn't necessarily mean that is us inside. I know for a fact that isn't who I would describe myself. With building confidence slowly, that "people person" is going to come out of all of us, because it's there. We fell in love with Photography and Art for the expression and wanting to make something beautiful out of some instant. We probably didn't consider that we should have all these millions of business skills. Some may do, but there work could be lacking in what is Art. We're not all perfect.
What happened to Art being limitless, the world being limitless? Or was that part of life that defined us as children and now we have to face the professional world seeking success in a grey suit, striving for a Face that isn't really us?
When choosing your career? Make it natural, make yourself natural with the natural confidence and aura that just makes your clients/colleagues know that you are genuine in what you want to achieve. You might actually stand out that way.
It's ok to be that boulder in the stream. It's ok to stand still for a moment, resist the stereotype needs and do whatever you want to do and express that you want to express. Once that education is out the way, those gates can be opened if you let them.
Be limitless. Be You. Be Free.
Saturday 2 March 2013
The Importance of Priority...
Priority.
It's an important word and we usually place that on our work when it starts becoming a bit strenuous. I don't know about you but I tend to be a bit of a workaholic. I may not be in work, but with multiple uni modules to complete all at the same time, it can be a bit of a frazzle.
You ask questions to yourself, trying to decide which of these projects are more important and when to do them. I also like to plan and even then, there is the stress of where to slot everything in and how long I should be working on that particular task for.
We often see people on their commute to work with a snack bar or a muffin, with perhaps some coffee, or maybe just the coffee...maybe just nothing at all? We have to rush to this place of work, our obligations are there. It doesn't matter about breakfast. "Maybe I'll just skip lunch?" you think Or "Maybe you will just take a bite of your sandwich, a bite of your apple and go to the vending machine to buy yourself a calorfic Mars Bar?" After all, they do contain the same amount of calories as that ham and mayo sandwich that you were going to eat. Besides it boosts up your energy levels and gets you going. Those cheaters, that's us.
Well..actually in fact I don't tend miss meals, my stomach won't do with that; it would be grumpy with such an arrangement. We rush to get to the next thing, is what I'm saying, the more important thing, until we actually stop for a second and think "What IS the most important thing?" That is one question I asked myself today. I had four different things on my to-do list and they all seemed pretty important. The most important seemed to be that work word. Hmm yes that. But I also wanted to go to the gym. That's important.
The main thing that we should be considering is "What is important right now?"
For me? Health. Without health, we can't do the things that we want to do and find important, if it's flailing or just not really there. Yeah, it may be that coffee that speeds you along but actually getting some rest and taking breaks every once in a while to energise naturally, you'll actually function better without that coffee. Allow coffee to be your leisure than to be your owner, strapping you to a lead and making your run at top speed to keep up with it.
That was something I found difficult, not the coffee, but taking time to have a break and re-eveluate my day or to just do nothing for ten minutes or so every couple of hours and literally sit there and recharge. There are many ways to do that, even if it's just listening to some music or reading etc but actually slowing down and deciding what task you are going to do next will help you a lot if you are one of those frazzled lot. It's something I'm working on and though it can be difficult at times, it's starting to show it's benefits.
You can go about it your own way but actually I have learnt that sometimes doing the opposite can actually make you achieve more.
Hope it helps!
It's an important word and we usually place that on our work when it starts becoming a bit strenuous. I don't know about you but I tend to be a bit of a workaholic. I may not be in work, but with multiple uni modules to complete all at the same time, it can be a bit of a frazzle.
You ask questions to yourself, trying to decide which of these projects are more important and when to do them. I also like to plan and even then, there is the stress of where to slot everything in and how long I should be working on that particular task for.
We often see people on their commute to work with a snack bar or a muffin, with perhaps some coffee, or maybe just the coffee...maybe just nothing at all? We have to rush to this place of work, our obligations are there. It doesn't matter about breakfast. "Maybe I'll just skip lunch?" you think Or "Maybe you will just take a bite of your sandwich, a bite of your apple and go to the vending machine to buy yourself a calorfic Mars Bar?" After all, they do contain the same amount of calories as that ham and mayo sandwich that you were going to eat. Besides it boosts up your energy levels and gets you going. Those cheaters, that's us.
Well..actually in fact I don't tend miss meals, my stomach won't do with that; it would be grumpy with such an arrangement. We rush to get to the next thing, is what I'm saying, the more important thing, until we actually stop for a second and think "What IS the most important thing?" That is one question I asked myself today. I had four different things on my to-do list and they all seemed pretty important. The most important seemed to be that work word. Hmm yes that. But I also wanted to go to the gym. That's important.
The main thing that we should be considering is "What is important right now?"
For me? Health. Without health, we can't do the things that we want to do and find important, if it's flailing or just not really there. Yeah, it may be that coffee that speeds you along but actually getting some rest and taking breaks every once in a while to energise naturally, you'll actually function better without that coffee. Allow coffee to be your leisure than to be your owner, strapping you to a lead and making your run at top speed to keep up with it.
That was something I found difficult, not the coffee, but taking time to have a break and re-eveluate my day or to just do nothing for ten minutes or so every couple of hours and literally sit there and recharge. There are many ways to do that, even if it's just listening to some music or reading etc but actually slowing down and deciding what task you are going to do next will help you a lot if you are one of those frazzled lot. It's something I'm working on and though it can be difficult at times, it's starting to show it's benefits.
You can go about it your own way but actually I have learnt that sometimes doing the opposite can actually make you achieve more.
Hope it helps!
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