It is such a rewarding feeling when your post goes up onto a blog. I have been a regular reader of the site Tiny Buddha during my anxiety and many posts have made feel a bit more cosy inside and less alone. As my recovery was making good progress, I decided it was time for me to share my story like the millions of you have on Tiny Buddha and see if I would be able to help others too.
Having to wait several months for my story to arrive was exciting but I also couldn't wait. Lori, the creator of the site sent me an email with my link as promised, and within hours I had already received two comments from people who also suffered with chronic anxiety. I got that warm fuzzy feeling but it was ten times warmer than reading someone else's post. It was great knowing how similar their stories were and how encouraging they were. It is such an accepting community.
When you write about experiences of anxiety and depression you still feel inside like you are the only one and even though you have friends and family around, they won't be able to know exactly how you feel completely. My friend told me they had severe depression the other day, and although my depression was mild I knew exactly what it was like to feel embarrassed, helpless and alone. You want to remain strong in front of the eyes of the people who care about you and don't want them to judge you.
My friend wanted to pass on to our other friend about her situation to which they managed to understand a little because their mother had had depression. They said "We never use phrases like: That's so depressing - because feeling upset isn't the same as having depression'. I said that was a really sensible thing to do. It made me think of the times when people would tell me to 'just relax' and I felt they would almost be annoyed at for me just not trying. But the thing is, if you have anxiety or depression, you can't just cheer up or relax, and believe me, they are the two things the we want most in the world when we feel this way and we get frustrated that we can't have it.
Since January my recovery has tapered off and I feel pretty much my normal self. I am learning to relax but rather than telling myself to literally, I am using kindness and self-acceptance which gradually gets absorbed into my mind. What I have learned with anxiety is what we fear the worst. I remember in my worst states that I feel the world would just suddenly fail against me and that my body wouldn't be able to take anymore pressure I was giving it. It's always hard to face fear in the face and feel those horrible sensations. It's like walking through a current going the opposite way. You want to trek to that light of happiness. Even if you feel like you are going nowhere, you have to remember that each step you are getting closer. You just have to remember that you are ok and you and your body will get through this.
There were many times where I would just wish my anxiety to be gone, many times when I thought it had gone, but when it did 'disappear' it disappeared too quickly. It's only having recovered slowly that things have averaged out.
Regarding my Yoga, someone asked in the comment of my Tiny Buddha post…Well I am getting there. It's about carving out time and committing and that will be something that will take its time also.
For now, here is my Tiny Buddha post …. Practice, Persevere, and Trust That You're Making Progress
I hope it brings inspiration to those whose minds are bit fuzzy and dark but also an inspirational read into the world and journey of anxiety and depression.
Zoe
