Loud through words or through camera...

It’s amazing what you can write in blogs. I suppose that I have been feeling afraid recently. Afraid of who I am, or where I had gone. As an Introvert labeling ourselves separates us more from the rest of the world. There is so much influence in the media that molds us into something this fixed ideal. Something lifts me up and refreshes me when I see a girl that lets her natural curly hair run wild or wearing high heels even though she is tall. I like the girls, the women who step outside of that mold and rebels. Like I do. Sometimes you can feel so alone walking the other way from the crowd as they make you feel guilty for not going to that club last night. Oh she’s not sociable, she’s not important. They don’t they anything but you know. I have a very sociable life, thank you very much and that is made up of close knit of genuine friends and not some ones for being used for. I like sitting round a kitchen table with some tea or some wine laughing and talking about crazy things in this world or just making jokes. Socialising as a teenager or a student doesn’t mean going out on the town. It’s about being comfortable with people alike and having a good time no matter where you are and what you are doing. I like having a good time and I like being quirky. It’s fun.

I was watching YouTube and I'm not the kind of person who absorbs themselves in cats and dogs but rather the more interesting stuff (in my opinion) - vloggers. I love their enthusiasm for what they do and then they describe themselves as quiet characters who use the internet to express themselves and make themselves known to the world. It's quite exciting and I suppose I do that too through words. 

Briefly popping back to the Introvert label have so closely talked about in my posts, particularly on the Myers-Briggs groupings, I think I will like to say that I took a bit too extreme. I almost felt I had to live up the expectations of these four letters and I felt confused and lost and realised that no one can be exactly those things, it's just a rough guide. Ironically Isabelle Myers was an INFP and Carl Jung was an INFJ - both personality types I crossed over and both personality types that are most interested in self  discovery. They were finding their paths but creating those groups and finding out where they belong. I think it's different now. I should be searching who I am in a different way. Don't get too immersed in these things as they can make you go a bit nuts. Just keep the star sign name and you'll do fine. 

Inspiration for this post goes to: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6p1JBYWFt0&feature=g-high-lik - BECOMING YOUTUBE 

(great for those who want to start YouTube or enjoy expressing themselves online) 

http://www.youtube.com/carrie - An amazingly bubbly and quirky YouTuber I was talking about. Just subscribed. 

Musing: A sense of belonging...

As I stare out the window, the sun shines but you know that there is an inviting chill in the air. Winter mornings are something quite beautiful and refreshing. The sun is low and it's rich. As I sip my black honey tea, I feel at peace with the world. Slow breathing; effortless. My mind drifts into a state of meditation, though I am very much awake.

And that is when I can dream, where I can really think.



We live our lives longing for purpose. We want to be accepted, to own a place in this world. Just being alive is enough for that place to exist, but perhaps we don't realise that. When are we our true selves when we have so many facets? Often it is people who define your place. We often think this is influenced by the negative. The people staring at us and taking us in.  What are they thinking? We feel judged. Why are they looking at me? Do they know me? Do they know that sacred hidden depth? We're scared, we shy away. It takes a fraction of a second to create a first impression. We try our best to please, but pleasing everyone doesn't please yourself. We often find that we are ourselves when we are on our own. A discovery period. Why is it so hard to show yourself? We seem to sieve out the possibility that we are cared for and long for more of it. The more people who accept us, the better, right? Is it? Can't we just be content knowing that the people who do care have buckets of love and acceptation for us. We are able to show them a close depiction of who we are, but even then, each person may see a different individual. An interesting thought that different people can bring out different sides of us that we didn't know could exist. I don't want to hide, but I'm scared.

We can't stand to be fragile and vulnerable. We want to show strength and know what we are doing in this world, but no one gets a manual. I don't suppose anyone can live the same life twice. In fact, it is impossible. However, we all feel the same emotions in some way or another. Or to have been to the same place as another, but at a different time and state to life.

We think too much of ourselves. We don't think anyone understands how we feel and that is enough to feel lost. We don't seem to realise how blind we are being. We just think it is our oneself who experiences this but how about if we open our minds. We, perhaps as a world could get along in such a peaceful way. Wouldn't life be boring then? - I hear a whisper. Yes. Perhaps it would be?


Who we are on the streets is how we want to be perceived. We cover the invisible and emit our 'perfect'  selves. I wonder what life would be like if we stripped it all away. We would probably unravel the innocence of our childhood. We would be more playful and not afraid. Children don't place much significance on acceptance until they meet 'different' people. These others think different is wrong, when perhaps they are the ones who are troubled. Somehow we feel it is our fault and get alienated and insecure. We become shy.

That isn't my true self. It is only what people see and it is what you begin to believe. So why the incapability to show that. Is it protection? Yes. Probably. How about we start believing in who we are although we can keep our secrets hidden? We will be able to live in pride, showing off ourselves, rather than showing off our 'best selves'.

But where does this lead?

What does this mean?

Why is it ok to be Single?

Why does it seem like a sin, a poor, inferior way of living when you don't have a man/woman on your arm? There is a freedom of making your own decisions and socialising to your own degree and not having to live up to the expectations of your other half. I don't know... I just feel like moving to Uni that I'll be surrounded by more experienced/attached people. I don't know about you, but sometimes I almost feel ashamed to say "No, I've never had a boyfriend.."and they are always surprised. I don't want to feel like that in particular.  I'm an independent woman who is fairly attractive; pretty yet natural.   I would like those words to come across when someone next asks of my status.

When we start school from a young age we get exposed to other types of beauty and wish other characteristics of ourselves. One friend always goes to me "You're so thin!" whenever she gives me a hug and I never know what to say. It's an observation more the less, but one I don't think about of myself because it's a quality I am in harmony with. I have my flaws though, I'm not perfect and sometimes we feel that we have to be. Why?

We don't want to shed our weaknesses; I guess it makes us feel unattractive and unworthy of ever finding love. We wallow in the lack of self confidence and express that in different ways. Personally I think there are two ways.

The Extravert
- Covers up their flaws, whether they use make up/ fake tan or a thick emotional barrier, concealing their sensitive depths and dressing in revealing and suggestive clothing. If someone gives them attention they think it's good, they have won the jackpot and often believe they will find happiness this way and it will boost their confidence. Whether they are considered ugly or attractive their loud exterior is attractive enough to win over potential one night stands and lovers.

The Introvert
- Subconsciously gives out signs of wanting to be invisible when really they are shouting out to be loved. They cover a wide spectrum of appearences but often keep a neutral expression when they are walking on their own which often makes them appear cold, this also includes lack of eye contact. They open up to a select few and often need to be approached first. They are considered quite dull to those who don't know them.


Whether you an Introvert or Extravert when you have confidence you are simply a more open person in a genuine way. That may surprise you Extraverts, but Introverts like to be social too. They just like to be social in small bursts and their energy runs out quicker.

The whole university lifestyle as student is so Extraverted in it's layout. That's ok, but how do us Introverts go and meet people when the idea of small talk is seen a waste of time, energy draining and simply overwhelming?

What I'm saying it's that, whether an Extravert is confident or not, they make it much easier to make connections. In comparison to Introverts, these connections are short lived while the Introvert looks for life-long relationships. I had a school reunion last month and there is one female who was simply the Queen Bee. She always has been and it's always be in her nature - the most classic types of Extravert. We all sat down awkwardly wondering what on earth to say these other people who we hadn't seen for years and frankly people we didn't really mind not keep in contact with. The female started chatting away and I thought to myself on the other side of the table "How does she find it so easy, it's not fair my mind just goes blank?"And later that night when we were walking home she was saying that she too found it awkward but her coping mechanism worked by chatting mindlessly on nerves about anything, which thankfully the rest of us sighed with relief, listening to whatever she had to say.

She seemed like the most confident person in the world, I always thought, once being one of many of her friends. She oddly confided to us all saying that she was nervous about going to Uni and worried that no one would like her. Across the table I disagreed  "That's crazy! Everyone likes you!" and some nods here and the there around the tables chorused. We were frankly surprised.

I guess we all worry about those things. We want to be liked. We want to show that we have potential.
However the word 'boyfriend' seems tacky to me. Some immature male who is out to break your heart in and says "I love you" meaning "I Luv U" which doesn't mean much at all. It's like a social tag, while husband, partner or other half seems much more sincere and meaningful.


However, as much as it is nice to belong to someone in that way, you have to be emotionally ready for those things. Going back to Introverts and Extraverts; we all want someone. Extraverts certainly get a lot more sex hands down, but as an Introvert I would happily by-pass any superficial relationships and one night stands with a few long-term relationships I can learn from effectively.

No one should feel pressured to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I doesn't mean to say that we aren't good enough if we don't. Being independent has made me realise who I am as a person which in turn has given me confidence and there is no reason why anyone else shouldn't feel that that too. Besides just because you may be single, doesn't mean people don't care about you, because they probably do.

Boundless energy from child to adult

Being the youngest in my family, you forget how limitless the energy of children is. For two days I have had two of my youngest relatives round who were granted a trip to Legoland. I've always had an inner child in me and invited myself along in words of that effect. It was great fun but I got also understand the discipline placed on by their dad and grandma aswell as the reason why they wanted to run off to the next ride. They live in a dream world full of imagination and by the end of the day, even my bursts of excessive energy were starting to burn out. As we sat outside for a barbecue in the evening and the little ones got down and ran around, jumping on the trampoline, I realised that I was beginning to feel more comfortable on the adult table, where discussion felt relevant to me and I just wanted to lie flat on the fall and drop off the sleep. We grow up and ten or so years ago I was their age and I wonder what they will be like in ten years with their innocent smiles being wiped off their faces, while I still feel my remains.

I suppose it's all about 'the great circle of life'

Understanding the depth of an Introverted (INFJ)

Do you ever wonder what your place in the world is? Do you strive for meaning in pretty much everything? My mind is deep and complex and I have this intuition and intense understanding in people that not many others have. Sometimes I feel lost.

I have always been interested in who I am and where I am going in this life and have taken personality test after personality test. I've been naïve and I may continue to do so reading through article after article on the Myers-Briggs personality type websites and searching for who I am and how to improve myself and with those traits I always thought I was an INFP (Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perception) type, because I have this great curiosity in oneself and harmonising relationships and avoiding conflict. I then realised that these types are not very organised, and though I can be messy from time to time, I like structure, I like the familiar and routine and knowing what I am doing and that sets apart an INFP from INFJ (judging) also known as the Consoler, while the perceiving type is the Dreamer. They are both very similar.  I could be crazy. I know there are many people out there who find their type and feel like someone has written about their exact character but at the same time, I know we all different.

Personally, I think Introverts are more interested in this self searching thing, than Extraverts. Us Introverts look inside ourselves and process the information there when we find that quiet place away from the loud world to charge. Why should Extraverts contemplate the world at this depth when they gain their energy from the people and the vibrant environments they are in? On the other hand, I could be totally wrong. It's just that I find that the Extraverts, don't really take in this interest of personal psychology, quite in the way that us Introverts do and that can sometimes make us question ourselves.

Being a part of the rarest personality type (apparently),  I sometimes wish that other types would have the same understanding that people like me do. I don't feel understood, I feel like I have to understand myself on my own and then when I have, then thats when it can be shared.

It can be difficult being an Introvert. We search for the words in our heads that cannot just flow our naturally like the Extraverts. We pause and we trip over our words, loose confidence and let our sentences taper off, feeling that what we had to say probably wasn't important, but really it was. We talk when we have something to say, not because we want to fill in the gaps.

However, I like seeing the world like this. Philosophical dicussions in our heads or with our closest friends and why things happen and observing the world; people watching, wondering what their story is, where they are going and what brings them to this particular place and this particular time of day, when you and a thousand other people are there too.

After all like John Lennon wrote in Imagine "You may say, I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one"

Everyone can dream, but the word 'dream' can mean many things, such as a goal, or a thought or a fantasy..

We are all open to the world of imagination, no matter who we are.

Overcoming vulnerable moments of suffering...

"Discovering the light of hope"

Vulnerability is when you are exposed to your fears. This may not be a direct exposure, but there is that possible chance that your fears could get in your way at these given moments.These fears can span from just a small scale, such as social phobia’s or large scale fears of ill health or death. As people we fear many things and no matter how big or small they are, they can seem the size of mountains. We want to appear strong in the eyes of our peers, families and friends. We don’t want to be weak.

Even if we disgust the fears that we have, they can still eat up us away if we let them. It is only our minds that can tell us how we feel and what we do and we can change our approaches if life can seem unbearable, particularly if we are fed up of suffering.  We suffer in different ways. We may have had a hard childhood, been bullied and stripped of self confidence or suffer from invisible conditions such as depression or anxiety. We may be trying to overcome losing weight or give up smoking.

I’ve been an anxiety sufferer; It can take a certain event to swallow you up into this dark hole. And though sometimes it has become unclear about what triggered this dark cloud, I know that my life was much more brighter when it wasn’t around. You could over think until you find an answer but even that can just make the problem worse and even contribute to a general over thinking problem.I’m a fighter but it let it bother me, because I was trying to so hard to make it right. Sometimes you have to do the opposite.

I have taken up knitting and I have felt more at peace with myself then I have ever have. My mind has been freed, unlocking my thoughts and peeling apart meanings that I have never understood. 

When we at our lowest, we have to believe that things will get better, even if that light of hope in the distance is the size of a pin prick. One positive thought is enough to get your started, even that is just a smile that feels fake on the sadness of your face. We think that we are the ones that are suffering. We feel that someone is out to get us, who has chosen us to suffer, but isn’t that really a gift, we have chosen to make a unwanted burden? If you hadn’t suffered, then you wouldn’t be that stronger person you are today.

My metaphor is: Life is like knitting. It can unravel or get knotted up at the most unexpected times and lead you to a dead end. If you pick up the wool and start from again, you may achieve the harmony in your life that you may not have had if you hadn’t stumbled. 

So not matter what you are suffering from, find something that you enjoy enough to distract you from your problem. You will realise that you are not alone and your problem is probably smaller than you think it is, because you can most likely do something about it. 

Take your fears and problems and split them into two categories:

1)   I can do something about this problem

2)   I can’t do anything about it, I just need to accept it and move on.

I know that a lot of people would want to choose the latter even they could do something to change it, because it is the easiest, but if you think about it,wouldn’t you achieve more if you take some patience and work for that harder number 1 solution?

Take those vulnerable idle moments and turn them around. Embrace these moments as an extra push to help improve and eventually you find where you want to go.

It's the constant effort that gets you through.