Sometimes I wonder why I can't achieve the things I want to.
I think over my university work that I have just completed in the last three years. I am quite a self-motivater when it comes to getting my head down and focussing on the academic stuff, but I have come to realise it has something to do with being set an assignment by someone else and getting it done so that I not only get a good mark but I will also look good in the eyes of them too.
I could be a bit harsh on myself and say that is a rather silly thing to do, seeing as my teachers have many other students to attend to. I have come to realise also that throughout my life so far I have always liked to be there for people all the time. If I can make people happy, then I can make myself happy. I admit that is a good way to live, but like anything, there is a spectrum that has two extremes each end. When you spend so much time for other people you forget yourself and you feel lost and unworthy. This seems to make a lot of sense.
Ever since I have therapy for my anxiety last year I have been focussing on S.M.A.R.T goals (Specific. Measurable. Attainable. Realistic. Time Focussed) and trying to set goals that pinpoint my interests and personal time alone. As part of my CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) plan, creating goals this way helps you feel more purposeful and is fantastic for your wellbeing. It works with both anxiety and depression at times when we feel altogether quite helpless. SMART goals are also used in many areas in life, even in the the workplace.
Though I have completed my therapy with succession, I am getting better at setting the goals, but have still been finding them difficult to carry out. After a hard day of degree work working from home mostly, the last thing I want to do is sit around and do nothing. In my idea world, I would love to just get my knitting out from my bag and carry on with my latest pattern or do some yoga or scrapbooking, but in my mind, the internal dialogue is saying 'I'm so tired, I can't be bothered. Lets just flop, turn on the tv or laptop and stare mindlessly at a screen for the rest of the evening.' And I totally give into this.
It has got me very frustated but I am willing to change this attitude and build up my self-value because I know that I am worthy of achieving what I want to, outside of the workplace. By tuning into my internal dialogue, I have noticed it is full of unconscious negative thoughts, filtering all my positive thoughts for other people. I think I definitely deserve some of that! I have decided that bring more gratitude into my life. I have read that if you are more grateful for your achievements, big or small or grateful for the things in your life, you will feel a lot more better in yourself.
I remember when I was coping with trying to relax during my anxiety. I wanted it so badly but was I was trying so hard to relax, I couldn't. I can see this pattern trying to fog up my goals, and I think putting too much pressure on myself to do the things I love, isn't going to help me do them.
It's time I tune my inner dialogue to cut out less of the forceful aggression in it's voice, and replace it with compassion and natural enthusiasm, so that I feel energised by dong the things I love. Take this post for example: I hadn't considered writing it when I woke up this morning, it's just something that I did. I think that's the way we should approach the things we love. To see them as things we would like to do and keep them that way, rather than adding them to our to-do list's as things we have to do.
Zoë
Sources that have been helping me:
Daily Greatness Journals - Comes in three formats: Standard | For Yogi's| 12 Week Training Journal
(Undated journals with self-inquiry questions for each day to help you reach your potential through meditation through to yoga and 'I AM' statements to record your daily mindset and fill your gratitude list. Comes with weekly check-in pages on Sundays, a 90 day check in and yearly review. Also includes a conscious blue-print to map out the 8 most important areas of your life and to set goals accordingly. Why start in January when you can start now? Check the link for more info.
The Complete Pocket Positives Anthology
(An inspirational book full of positive quotes from sparking enthusiasm with the things we love, to being a good friend, and to the positives of just being your authentic self, as well as making the most your mistakes when things go wrong. A must for anyone who needs to retune that negative inner dialogue or coping from anxiety/depression.)
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